crossing a bridge
by Kmyleprovost
Summary: When all is too much for Steve, he find help in an unexpected person, Stiles Stilinski.


Steve never thought he could become so inadequate for the world to even think about taking his own life. It wasn't that he as depressed, per say. Just that he was tired of fighting. For his country, for freedom, for life, for Earth. He was just fed up about it.

His mind never really change from when he was thin and sick. He still wanted to do the good thing, the right one. But if only someone else could do this for once. Fighting against Nazis and aliens and Nazis again. Seeing his best friend fall to a certain death, falling himself in that plane only to wake up and discovering that they all die anyway, that he was alone again. It was hard. He thought he could face it, had to, really. But throwing himself into battle and ordering a team, fighting real life gods, for fuck sake! And his will to get up and out of bed was harder and harder every day. And when he thought he finally have something, keeping up with this world again, meeting new people, feeling again, all of it was for nothing. What he died for, what _Bucky _died for was for nothing. They were still there. And he had to fought again, sacrifice again. And again. And facing what they did to his best friend, his brother… It's as if something snap inside him. Like it was the last straw.

Don't take him wrong, he was going to help what was left of Bucky, help him recover as best as he can. But how would he be able to do this when he couldn't even help himself? So he help defeat Hydra again. And he did what had to be done, again. He fought. He tried, he put himself in danger way for other people not to have to. He tried. He went after the Winter Soldier, Bucky. He went and retrieved him from the holes he hide in, unable to find himself. He helped him find himself. Not Bucky, not an Asset, not a new person either, just who he was now, free of orders if he wanted to or chose to. But two years after that. After fighting again and again, even again his own team, here he was, in Brooklyn again. It wasn't that he was depressed, really. Just that he just haven't the force to continue anymore.

Take one day at a time. Every step you take is a good one, has said Sam. Don't condemn yourself, you are just a man. You have the right to feel and be angry and be. Just be. Nice words, really. Just not something he could really accept, after being a patient for so long, before becoming a soldier, the tool in someone else hand. Then a dancing monkey, here for someone else, again. And an Icon, a hero, someone to look up to. Before becoming a soldier again, just without the uniform anymore. And now? Just a doll in the hand of what was left of shield, an example for children, a soldier, a spy, a friend, a therapist…

He was just fed up. It was enough. He just wanted to become small again, when he could be himself and face the bullies, when everything was simple: bad mouthing bullies meant being beat up, being sick meant fighting for his life, having the rent due meant spending hours working odd jobs, laughing with Bucky when they were exhausted and just needed it and…

And he didn't even remember when the last time he smiled, let alone laugh was. He remembered seeing Tony on TV, sometime after the chitauri attack and the problem in London and Malibu but before the fall of Shield. He remembered seeing him throwing smile after smile at a bemused audience and think that if Stark didn't escape within five minutes he would be stuck with that fake thing instead of his face for the rest of his life. And now he was just like that.

His feet had took him to the bridge. He could see it. The fall, the cold again and this time maybe, no wake up. No fight. Just a nothing that maybe would finally feel like sleep. He just has to…

Well, that is some heavy shit you're feeling right now, dude!

The voice was coming from somewhere on his right. He didn't even look at the person talking, just kept his gaze fix on the water below. Then, the talker just took place beside him, his arms crossed on the rail besides his own.

I know it's kind of cliché to say so but… Are you really thinking about it? Did you really thought about everything that you will let behind, unmade, untested, unexperienced?

Steve just shrugged. It's not as if he had thought about this before actually coming right here. It just came down on him like that, while walking.

Well, for example did you ever went and ate all flavor in an ice cream parlor? Tasted them all and ranking them from awful to made for you? Or seeing the Great Wall of China? Or the Great Canyon? Or the Five lakes? Or this town in Washington State that is in Twilight? Or meeting the president? Or even better, his wife? Because let's face it, it is so much cooler meeting the First Lady than her husband!

He was rambling filling Steve head with his chatter, drowning his thoughts and making him forget why he even was here in the first place. And then what he had been about to do just collide with him. He couldn't do that to them! To Bucky and Sam and Tony and Bruce! They would feel so bad for not seeing it coming! And Tasha and Clint would just blamed themselves. He jump back and collide with the barrier behind himself. A hand shot to stabilize him and he finally looks at the man next to him. He was young, no more than 25. Brown hair, golden eyes, moles everywhere, and so much comprehension onto his face. No pity just understanding. He smiled a little, quite embarrassed.

Don't worry, we all had been in your shoes. Well… maybe not everyone, but… I had. And there is nothing to be ashamed of. So stop it and let's go somewhere else, okay? There is a trail that run on the side of the river. Come on. We are not where we should be…

Still saying nothing, Steve just went after the man. What he almost did was just… He couldn't understand it. Just…

Without noticing, they were on the side of the river. The man just plop himself on the grass and massaged his head before inviting Steve to come sit with him.

After a moment of silence, Steve looked at him. He had is head leaning to the side, like a puppy and his feet were tapping the grass. Steve clear his throat and open his mouth before closing it, not knowing what to say. He was so ashamed of even thinking to do this and having someone witnessing it… he shook his head. Inspire and expire. Then tried again. But it isn't anything important or even relevant with the situation.

I'm Steve

The other smiles

Stiles. Nice to meet you.

The silence return then. Ten minutes later, Stiles begin again.

You know, I don't think you should go home alone tonight. You have someone to go to? Someone who won't judge?

Yeah but…

Dude, I know you don't want to bother them. But let me tell you, they probably already know something bothering you. It doesn't just come overnight, those feelings. And if they don't, just come find me. But I think you know already how it will go.

Hum. I… suppose.

You should call them. Hang out and just tell them. No sugar coating it. Just how you feel, ho you fell on that bridge and how it isn't something that will pass. That you probably need them right now. And that you will probably need more help than you will accept. And I think that they will understand. Hey might even know how you are feeling. Do you have a phone, here?

Steve just nods and put it out of his pocket, seeing three messages. Stiles give him a small smile and take it. He type a moment and return his phone to Steve.

Now you have my phone, if you need someone who was there, whereas it is on the bridge on in your situation. Don't hesitate to call or text.

Steve nods again before fixing his gaze on his phone. Stiles returns to his river gazing. After some time, Steve resolved himself and open the screen, going to Sam contact. He must be with Bucky. Since they found each other it was hard seeing one without the other. They were this cute couple that didn't need to do anything to make you feel their love for each other.

Hey, cap!

Sam…

Are you alright? You didn't come when you…

Sam, I think I need not to be alone right now. Could I come and just… Stay with you, at least until tomorrow? My… my head isn't in the right place and… I… I don't trust myself right now.

God Steve! You don't need to ask! Where are you? I'm coming!

No need to, Sam, I'm coming by foot, if it's alright.

Of course! Steve, are you sure you don't want me to come get you? I have a car and depending on where you are, the tower might be far away…

I'm in Brooklyn. I can make it back alright.

I know you don't really need it but… can you let me take care of you? You never ask for help so please… let me do that.

Alright. I'm at the foot of the bridge, east side.

The bridge? Steve… Okay. See you in 20. Do you want me to keep the phone?

No, I have someone with me right now. It will be alright.

Promise?

Promise.

Ok, see you. Keep safe.

Will do.

Steve cut the communication and look at Stiles, smiling depreciably. The other massages his head again and returns his smile.

He was worried, right?

Yeah. Even before I said anything in fact. I… I can't believe I almost did that to him…

You almost did that to yourself man, not him. You were going to hurt yourself first. You know this tell about how Germany was the first country invaded by Nazis? It the same here. You were going to hurt yourself before hurting them. Death hurt the one that survive it, yes. But it doesn't change that the one dead was the first hit by death. Think of yourself first for some time. You will be able to help other better if you take care of yourself first.

Did you have this conversation too? When you were at my place?

No. But I had the feelings of horror of the two guys crossing the bridge, seeing me there and sorry for me before themselves, when I was the one who was inflecting them the traumatism of seeing someone end their life before their eyes. Quite the reality check.

The feelings?

Steve knew that, as he been in the right set of mind, he would be curious, inquisitive even. But right now, it was more habit than curiosity.

You're doing it again. Thinking about me before you. Don't worry. If you're curious later, just call. But not if it is just to prove to yourself that you are back to your old self. Do it if you really feel curious. Now you are just empty but you will relearn to feel. Feeling like this doesn't last. It eventually end. You have to believe it. And don't forget that if you need it, my number is in your phone. No, your friend is coming, I can literally sense his worry from here. Go find him and please, talk to him. Really talk to him. No pride, no preserving his feelings. Talk to him.

Steve then saw the car of Sam, parking right at their high and stand up. He turns to Stiles, who hasn't moved, and offers his hand.

Thank you. You didn't have to.

I kind of did. I couldn't really let you do this. Good luck Steve.

He stood up but didn't shake his hand, just going for a check instead, even going as far as making the Baymax check before waving and taking of. As soon as he made three steps Sam reached Steve.

You alright man? What happened?

Sam. I think that I might need…. I might need help.


End file.
